Thirty Seven Lives

( This is the text accompanying a mass portrait painting of mine.)

1. Mandy spends the weekend flipping between gardening and cooking programs while eating microwaveable dinners for one and tending her bonsai.

2. Stellian hopes of becoming a DJ have crashed along with his computer as he has downloaded one too many songs.

3. Anyone who don't like America is Unamerican according to George. Anyone speaking in a foreign tongue is Unamerican. Pizza is American. It was grown here. Don't talk to the Mexicans, but you can have a burrito.

4. Rufi has trainers for every occasion. Black for the disco...brown for job interviews....beige for family restaurants....white for weddings.....red and silver for dates....and blue for the gym.

5. Adam collects plastic toys from a well-known hamburger chain. He hopes to sell them as antiques in thirty years' time. But storage is becoming a problem.

6. Mr. Taranto is an ex-pro rugby player for Italy. In summer, he takes his family to a nine bedroom villa on the Island of Capri, then sails to the Island of Ponza. There are more servants than family members; a cook, a gardener, a pool cleaner, a house-keeper, head house-keeper and an English teacher. Course, they don't all fit in the boat.

7. Jethro got his wife a pistol for her 33rd birthday. She thought it was a water pistol. No more presents.

8. Raphael spent two years in Denmark. He learned the language but didn't see much of the country as he was in prison.

9. Edward failed his chemistry and maths final exam. He did well in art though. Now he has an "A" in maths and a cautious "B-" in chemistry. Didn't cheat on the exams, just the results.

10. Jason isn't bothered. If the football is on, he will watch it. If it isn't on, he will get out a pre-recorded tape and watch that.

11. Elizabeth is a certified suburbanite. She has two friends in the church choir, one undergoing plastic surgery, one seeing a psychiatrist, and three having an affair.

12. All of Jack's housemates work in restaurants. Sundays are free at Pizza Hut, Tuesdays is sushi, Wednesdays is Pie Town, ...and Fridays is steak sandwiches.

13. Mrs. Pinkerton highlights the key points of the meeting on her commute home. Oh no. The entire page is pink. This calls for a neon green to emphasize the keyer key points.

14. Dale in charge of office supplies has limited Mrs. Pinkerton to four highlighters per month. It's his moment of power.

15. When Robert's fish died, his father unceremoniously flushed it down the toilet. Now, he has a rabbit.

16. Gary was pleased to discover that the local junior college offers a degree in criminology. He can skip the 100 level courses as they will give him credit for his life experience.

17. Paul wants to be a carpenter, a dentist, or an oil rig worker. He is fascinated by drills.

18. Vincent is a poet. He's on the police force. He says everything you've heard about them is true.

19. Leonard stayed home for Christmas and mailed his friends foreign postcards he found at Oxfam.

20. Ben wonders what life was like when the world was flat.

21. Ed is looking for a present for his girlfriend...Underwear--the smaller it is, the bigger the price.

22. Enzo doesn't buy women's underwear. He makes it. And as models are expensive, he wears it too.

23. Peter clips his toenails in bed. His wife hates it. What she doesn't know is that he keeps them all in a jars under the bed labeled by the year. He's saving them for scientific research.

24. Maciej knows illustrator, photoshop, and paint pro. All he needs now is a computer.

25. Andy thinks that all women should be digitally enhanced.

26. Bill and Bob don't know if they are half brothers or second cousins. They must be related; they have the same taste in women, cars, and beer.

27. No one has seen Geoffrey since he got a new girlfriend. He'll be back in touch when they break up or get married.

28. Geoff's neighbor, Bryan used to be unemployed. Now, he's also alcoholic.

29. Savario shuttles tourists up and down the Amalfi Coast in his minibus. He doesn't mind the driving, but he gets sick of being sunny and cheery. Vidal Sassoon is his best customer---always leaves a hundred dollar tip.

30. He didn't lose his eye in the war--No. He had a wife. Yes. Love is blinding.

31. Franco Fracasso is an accountant at a toy company. He likes to eat ice-creams by the sea and watch the women go by. He loves figures of all kinds.

32. Txomin has moved to Upper Clapton. He has no TV but he likes action. (later) Txomin went to live in a cave after falling out with the monks in Salamanca. "A cave?! A cave..." asks his mother. He's officially missing at this point with no official address.

33. Joao came upon hard times so, he sold his watch...then his bike....then his dog. Now, if he gets a new job, he won't have a way to get there and when he does get there, he'll be late. And when he loses that job, he won't have his dog to comfort him.

34. Lila's new hat brings out the mental patient in her.

35. Alice left her fruit and acid peel mask on overnight. She is stunned at the results.

36. Linda went as the Statue of Liberty to a fancy dress party. She cleverly built in a falso arm to hold the torch--leaving her hands free for martinis and handshakes.

37. April celebrated her friend's 30th birthday at a Chateau in the Loire Valley. She was dressed as a mermaid. It was hard to walk, but she didn't need to.

(TBA) Lance enjoys his Monday night karate class. More than half the students are from the local police force. "It's the only time I get to assault a police officer legally."