Divine Polyester Time

Did ya'll know I'm a good cook?
That right....good in the kitchen too.
Esme----she ain't even good in the bathroom.
Esme....short for Esmerelda.

Imagine namin' yo baby Esmerelda?
Brand new baby....already callin' it like it 65.
Put a spin on the meanin' of menopause.
She be like---"Men...ohhh..." and get out her paws.

Some ladies....they fade fashionably....
They get old?.... They do it in style.
Do you think they stick around for senior bowlin'?
No.
They's off on a cruise to Panama
Sippin' Mai Tais in the jungle
Swingin' from the trees.
Livin' like monkeys on the grandkids' inheritance....
They got it all calculated.....
Day the money run out, they gonna die.

And the funeral?
Already arranged with somebody outside the family.
Let your kids do it?
Lucky if you end up in a dumpster.

Basket weavin' at the junior college?
I ain't no basket case.
Only weavin' I be doin' is weavin' through the traffic so I can
Get me down to Florida for the winner time.
I be snow birdin' the months away
Hangin' on the beach
'Til my prescription run out....... needs fillin' again.
Go on up to Canada for ma drug run--
Half price viagra and my fix of Quinidine.

Ya'll know why them old people all park up in the same lot?
Got the beach chairs all cozied up together?
They don't want to be comin' up against some woman in a bikini...
Spoil the day.

Can't help it....
It the natural process of fadin'
What a shame...ya'll can't just set like the sun.
By the time you old enough to use yo free bus pass,
Ya'll are too flabby to use it...with any dignity.
Hit a pothole?
Boom...Jiggle Jiggle
Bruise yourself up with your own body parts.

Rule number one---ain't nobody wearin' a bikini on St. Pete's Beach.
'Least not between November and April....
Rule number two---ya'll make sure your one piece is
One hundred percent Polyester...
It just one big piece of elastic---hold it all in.

Get yourself some BIG ass flowers on that swimsuit....
So ya'll can blind yo way into the water....
"Don't look at my thighs....look at my big flowers."
Bigger than the flowers on Granny's campervan curtains.
Her swimsuit?...She got more flowers on her backside....
Than ya'll see at a presidential funeral.
Camouflage.
It one divine polyester time.