Phone Chords

N: Someone just called.
F: Who were that then? Do I know 'em?
N: I don't know.
I can't answer the phone.
F: Tied up?
N: No.
F: Why not? FBI?
N: No. Nothin' so unlikely.

Phone's missin'...my daaaamn phone....
Telephone....where in the devil's deserted tundra is it?

Ain't missin' the whole phone--just part of it
Just the part you put to your ear.
Part you hold in ya hand w' th'all the buttons n' numbas
Honey--They all pressed now!---- All pressed.
Been to the moon seven times--and back
Just lookin' for it.

F: Think some thieves broke in?
N: Unlikely.
If they know anything....(didn't leave their bleedin' minds behine)
They know there ain't (Jack) shit in this block of flats worth takin'
Wastin' their time....better off dealin' drugs.
Unless they real stupid----just wanted half a phone.

R1: Can't get it---it's plugged in.
R2: Well unplug it then.
R1: Don't know how to.
R2: Ya'll ain't comin' with me again.
N: See? My tv's still here. Hopeless. Don't you want my tv?
Too stupid to even steal a tv...or too snobby--
R2: We only deal in flat screens.

I reckon the cute little culprit is a little more local...
And ain't more than three feet high.
My son......he into ALL crime.
Can't even book a three-year-old for a misdemeanor these days.
And he knows it.
Toddler detention---yet to be invented.
He the black hole of Holborn--that boy.

Boy: Don't like My Mamma talkin' on the telephone.
My Mamma---she needs to talk to me.
Think I'll just throw it over the balcony.
Ooh. Door's locked
Have to put it in the bin.
Ooh. She takin' out the garbage now.
Mamma's throwin' away her own telephone.
Poor woman. I'll have to protect her from herself. (shakes head)

Norma:
Now I wouldn't have this problem if I tied him up
But I don't have a phone cord to tie him up with.
Wouldn't have this problem if I had a normal phone
Phone chord--umbillical contraption.
Keeps the phone holder and the hand set connected.
Together like.
Some couples--it be a good idea for them to get a phone chord.
But you can't even buy 'em anymore.

Shop boy---greasy headed nobody from Neverland...
Spent all his money on hair gel
Lookin' at you like you out of style. (if you ask for one of them phones)
Want some Bell bottoms with your telephone Mam?
That's how come they call it Illinois Bell.
Least it used to be Illinois Bell.
Think they out of business now.
"Illinois Boot Cut" didn't sound right.

Still see them tangly telephones on Charlie's Angels--two in the mornin'.
Farrah got it all fussed up in her feathered hair.
Where's your mobile Farrah?
And get a hair cut.
People used to get murdered too with some of them phone chords.
Peter Falk limpin' up to the body shakin' his head. (tut tut tut)
Don't use that phone chord stunt for strangulation anymore.
Too low tech.
They be switchin' back to bare hands.

Where's my phone?
Now I gotta buy a new phone.
All the things I was gonna do...but I gotta get a phone.
I was gonna get a new organizer for my shower.
Go to the salon--get my nails done---sick a clippin' at home.
I was going on a cruise to the Bahamas Baby.
But not now..........gotta buy a new phone.

(Warning the rest of this is a crescendo of profanity.
Stop here if it hurts your ear. A very big apology to anyone who finds this offensive.)

Every seen people when they lose their phone, the wallet--the keys?
Where...... did I put my keys?
Where are my keys?
Where the mother fucking hell are my god damn fucking keys?
(Alternatively)
Where the feather mucking fell are my dog blamn trucking fees?

Heard you the first time.
They ain't here.

And if somebody lose their wallet--it a sorry moment in history.
Where's my wallet?
Who took my wallet?
Who the hell took my damn wallet?
Where..............is my God----Damn---Wallet?
God--help me find my fucking wallet.
Who the fucking hell took my god damn fucking wallet?
Who the fist-fuckin' god-damn bleedin'- black-assed-bollocks....

It ain't here.

(Spoken Time 3:47)