Monday, 22 October 2007

Lookin' For Leisure

Where's the telephone number?
.........In the phonebook....
Where's the phonebook?
.....where you left it...
Where'd you leave it?
I don't know. I wasn't the last one using it.
...There's a new phone book somewhere...
Came just last year.

Thing so big---
They gettin' bigger than bibles.
They be replacin' bibles altogether soon....
Even more useless.
Answers so many questions---
Questions you didn't even think of askin'---
Like what exactly is the size of Alaska?
I don't know. I was lookin' for the number for Pizza Hut.
So big...the phone book nowadays---What all else is in there?

Ten other uses for vinegar.
The weather in Argentina.
And fifty other things you can do with your vacuum cleaner
If you got the right attachments.
Picture of the local fire station staff
With their emergency if you really hot.

And last but not least--- Few Barbara Cartland novels in the back
Sixty of her most saucy situations all sucked down into fine print.
Some joker (long-libido bibliophile) knew he could get away with it.
Nobody reads the phone book anyway.

And who's in there?
Two seconds of fame for being in the phone book? Keep it.
Do I need to know them?..... No
Do they need to know me?...... No.

Do I need their telephone number if I don't need to know them?
A+B=C in my book....That's an algebraic No.
Just in case... ? case of what?

Got a sudden hankerin' to talk a Mr. Chee Chitty Chonk?
Howdy Old Chonky....What up?
Nee how Madda wow eet han han geeng?
Can't hang on for too long.
Bored already--put in a call to his brother--
Mr. Watta Madda Dadda.
Hello Mr. Watta Madda.
Watta Matta Dadda.

But really.... emergencies aside...
I had a genuine need for the telephone today.
Tried to put a question to the YMCA.
1-800-YMCA...Doesn't work...Ain't enough letters.
1-800-GAY-YMCA....that works but it the wrong number.
1-800-FUCK-THE-YMCA...too many.

Kids off school for a week--gotta put em somewhere.
Here?..... Will he fit in here?..... Over there?....
What about the neighbor? Never the Y.

(In squeaky high mid-west surburban girl voice)

Sorry--no. Due to the recent overly-subscribed need for our
creche and babysitting facilities during the school break,
we have had to curtail our services until further notice.
As we can not provide for the greater population in our community, we will be closing the babysitting service over school break in order to enter into discussion with the community and parents on how we can improve our services. We look forward to hearing from you and providing you all with a fair and fulfilling experience of excellence in excercise.

I ain't looking for excellence. I lookin' for a swimmin' pool.
Fair and fulfilling?....To who?....You "Due To" tart--
Experience my ass.

And to think....
what I had to do...... just to get the phone number---

Swimming--no not under "swimmin'".
It ain't called swimmin' no more.
Underwater exercise--aquatic aerobics.
To health clubs---no not there.

See Also---Also See
Fitness--leisure centers--spas--pools
It leisure? What's so leisurely about sweatin'?
Man's standing there huffin' puffin'
Nearly losing his teeth he can barely breathe.

Hairy Harry and Lean Larry-- more leisure lovers
Them two--they strokin' the water right out of the pool.
But I ain't lookin' for leisure.
I just wanna go swimmin'.

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