Lovely Linda

Linda...that Lovely Linda.
She creeps right up my ass sometimes.
Comes over.....wanna borrow some baking soda.
Do I look like I'm hooked on the gourmet channel?
Put your pans away. I don't even have cable.
And if I did, I'd strangle you with it.

If she can't borrow it, she use it.
Can I use your bathroom?
Sure...long as you don't take it home with you.
You know where it is...
Same place you lost your cards last week
After losing at the casino.
Talk about a losin' streak.
Triple loss if you include
The sorry man who sprinted out the door
After that scene.

She in there over an hour....
What she doin'?
Deliverin' a baby?
Or milkin' a water buffalo?
Don't have no need to knock the door.
Can smell the scent of fifty perfumes
Seepin' out the keyhole.
I look.
For shame! She ain't sprayin' that bottle.

So I knock.... Just a minute.
Been fifty honey. How many more do you need?
Just powderin' my nose.
...and a big nose that is.
Looks more like inhalin' than powderin'
But then her ass is much bigger than the keyhole.

I conjure her out with some pizza.
Cook it up nice and hot
Until the fire alarm's ringin'.
She come out.... I shut the door.
Tell her I lost my keys.
Finally, she go home....
But bein' so kind and all...
Wants me to come to her house.

I ain't no teenage slumber party beauty queen.
I done with all that.
But we end up watchin' a movie
And phonin' a locksmith.
I go in the bathroom,
Dial the locksmith....tell him I found the keys.
Then, I tell lovely Linda that the locksmith has arrived.

Thought that would be the end of it...
No no...Lovely Linda don't want to miss any
Opportunities....
Wants to see how this lock and key situation works
She like him enough, she'll be losin' her keys by the end of the week.
Quick thinkin' me--I tell her he the husband
Of Winnie who runs the laundrette.
Winnie a big woman.
Don't mess with her machine.

But no....she still on continuous spin dry.
Next week...Lovely Linda goes to the laundrette.
It a laundrette/hair salon/saloon.
Ya'll can do your hair and fill your hangers
All at the same time
Even end up with a hangover
If it a permanent you're gettin'

Winnie--she the owner.
She don't do no hair no more.
She just observe...
Inhale the fumes.
Think it's what got her off a drugs.
Inhalin' all day--it a busman's holiday
If you do it all night too.

Linda notice Winnie don't have no ring on her finger.
Makes a subtle inquiry....
So you ain't locked up then?
Last name ain't Mrs. Smith....as in Lock?
Ain't you got a key for that lock?

Winnie--she just shake her head
And blame it on the fumes.