Sunday, 30 September 2007

The Truth on Ruth

Ruth came over my crib today for some fine grub.
So fine...almost like Christmas.
Sunday lunch.
More like a last supper...way it went.

Big dinner n' all
Roast lamb...all the trimmins'
Did she bring any beer to go with it? No.

Ruth-she the one
Gave me them white cotton panties
Five pack. Five for a dollar.
Should have smelled the trouble then
When I slit up the plastic.
What you gonna say?
"Oh thank you. I always wanted the cheapest pair o underwear
Money can buy."
That ain't no present.
That a survival package honey.
Would have given 'em back today.
But I already throwed 'em away.
Miles ago now.

We got into a dispute.
She ain't one to apologize.
Just a little thang.
Can't stand someone lower than myself
Lookin' down on me.
Logistically impossible.

Hell. She can't even ride a bike.
She be questionin' where I gets my money from
For all my holidays.
Honey.... I is resourceful.
I don't sit in the bleedin' shade if I want some sun.
She forget...I invited her.
No she gotta stay home and tend her roses.
....Protect her apartment from her neighbors
Is more like it....They at war.

N' she strange thinkin' too.
What she did to her upstairs neighbors?
She were out in the yard
Clippin' them rose bushes like she always do...
Came upon a "vine"
"Clip"...cut up the neighbor's tv cable.
Don't be messin' with someone's tv cable.
Now that sacred.
That the umbillical chord to the world.

'Nother time...
She got these long hedge clippers...
Reached up and clipped away again
...At their patio furniture through the iron grates.
Wicker, so easy to break. Snapped like straw.
Hard to say that were an accident.
She went to court for that.
And she lost.
And now....I lost her too.
Next time...take some gardenin' lessons.

(Spoken Time 1:58)

Cyber Strangers

Ya'll want to know the most unnatural way
To waste you time?
Internet datin'.
Save yo dime.
Cyber strangers funny folk.
Ya'll gotta be able to take a joke.

My name's George I'm 44.
I got two kids
They don't live with me no more.
My name's Philip...I'm 46
Killin' time in my office
I do this for kicks.

Typin' away to people you don't know.
Get ya into trouble
Eventually a "no."
Be careful what yo fingers say
Else ya gonna be
Tellin' um the size of yo underwears
For free.

Then, when do you meet?
They ain't the same person as in the photo.
They been digitally retouched so many times....
In actual fact...they more like Quasi Modo.

Or otherwise...
Ya'll be chattin' away on the messenger
Gettin' on like long lost cousins..
"Ya'll so interestin'...sound fantastic."
As soon as you send a photo...
"Not my type"
That pick-ups in reverse
Backin' up the speed of light.

They don't like you---you don't like them
It mutual....ain't nothin' to pretend.
They's got bad breath
You can't even tell 'em
'Cause you don't know 'em well enough
To offend 'em.
So if I in the mood for anymore
I think I'll be stickin' to the Double Door.

(Spoken Time 1:03)

Prada Man

Prada Man
His life like a 1970's movie
Disco balls n all....
That man like a traveling discotecque
All glittered up and no where to go

He be window shoppin' all the time
Sometimes, he can barely afford to look in the window.
He should get on the other side--
Be a window dresser or somethin'
Model them clothes he always salivatin' over.
"Gucci, Gucci, Gucci."
It only a scarf. Practically peed himself.
Imagine.....if he would've got a suit.

His favorite shop?
Prada---short for Pretty Raw Deal
All you got in there is handbags for ladies
And some ladified men.
Big ones little ones leather ones....every size.
If you gots 500 dollars, ya'll can get yo'self a coin purse.
Just what you'd be needin'
After ya'll spend that five hundred dollars,
All you got left is change.

He resourceful though.
He just go in there and ask for a carrier bag.
Plasticated paper with the "PRADA" in the big letters.
Make it look like he just been shoppin'
Truth is...he been wearin' the same shirt since 1975.
But ya'll wouldn't catch him dead with a wrinkled old shoppin'
He get them bags any time he like
As many as he want.....he persuasive.

Cute n' all....handsome boy
Gots them skinny little designer glasses
To match his plaid pantied designer ass.
He all into fashion.
Always wearin' a scarf.
Even in the middle of the hottest summer.

If there ain't no breeze to justify it,
He just whip himself around so there is one.

Other night, her were out with Deborah.
She a housewife without the husband---until today.
She 49, three kids, and he just timeless.
They got to drinkin' too much.
Three AM, old Prada Man, he were toasted.
Had to find 'emselves a bar with a couch
So he could lay his pretty head down and take a rest.
Never one to let somethin' like bein'
Tired and trashed
Spoil an evenin'.

He sleepin'---she dancin' away.
Next thing you know...
She dancin' with this 25 year old
Perky boy from Pakistan.
He buff. He fine.
Got them muscles in all the right places.
And him? He just knocked over by her beauty....
Course it were dim lightin'.

Once they quit dancin'
He knew right then an' there...
He gonna dance with her for the rest of his life.
So what he do?
Waste no time.
Went outside and waited...
Got right down on bended knee
When she come out the door
and asked her to marry him
Right there and then
In all the puke with all the people
Comin' out the club.
He didn't even know if this Prada Man were her boyfriend or not.
He say " I fight 200 men for you honey." kneelin' in the puke.
Course ain't much of a battle
They was all comin' out of GAY bar.
He say he just in there cus the drinks is cheap.
Deborah weren't so sure so she ask Prada Man's opinion.
Prada Man, being seasoned at checkin' out men,
Took one look and said hey...
"He worth at least a one night stand."
And so it started.
Infact, they got married today.
I think we all be trippin' down to GAY bar now.
Bless 'um n' Good luck

(Spoken Time 3:22)

Superhero Cemetery

I got a friend.
She got a child.
He ain't no child really.
He a devil boy.
He keep her so busy, she forgot her own name.
Folks just call her Benjamin's Mama.
And if he does somethin' wrong,
(Bitin', hittin' o strangulation)
Her name the long version
"That Benjamin Boy's Mama.... Over There."

He in the middle now of learnin' how to take a shit.
Takin' his time with it.....puttin' it everywhere. room, balcony....even on the kitchen chair.
That boy.... think the whole world his toilet.
They at flood level now with all the pee.
Call in the National Guard.
Lift 'em out by helicopter.

Five pair o pants a day.
She got her washin' machine on 24/7.
She washin' so much, police came 'round the other day
See if she weren't runnin' a business.
"No," she say..."I just clean."
She been clean a long time.
She clever.
She fixed a little plaid strap to his potty--
So stylish---bless her...
Takin' it round like a little purse.
Enough to make Prada Man jealous.

He likes to brush his teeth though.
He brush his teeth five times a day.
Till the gums are bleedin.
He only wanna see the water runnin'.
See if he can fill up the sink and overflow it
before his momma come in.
He got a free sack of toothpaste and a brush
Other day for being a good boy.
Special moment.
What he do?
He took the toothpaste out of his mama's bag on the way home.
Smeared it all over his face and hands.
She thought it were it fresh paint at first.
He got a scrubbin' for that.

An' he particular on top of it.
He don't want his weetabix if his mama press it down
And it break in half--no....same with the toast.
He gotta drink his juice out of his Spiderman cup only.
Otherwise, he die of thirst.
Nothin' else will do.
He into action men and super heroes.
But all his super heroes done lost their super.

Only thing left of Spiderman is his left shin bone.
Batman's cape done flew off the balcony.
Superman's got no arms and no legs-- just a torso
He paraplegic now.
And Wonder Woman?
She a two minute wonder.

Momma say,"All these superheroes startin' to cost,
I say we's switchin' to generic action man."
Even that--same thing again.
Crushed his hands in the doorway.
All that's left is a
Superhero Cemetery.
Ain't what it say on the box.

(Spoken Time 2:06)

The Triple G's

I met these people in the park the other day....
George and Georgina....real fine.
They's from Georgia.
And.... they gots a little daughter called Georgette.
Triple G's. Jesus. What's the matter with them?
Couldn't have called her Betty...or Sarah?
Ya'll got the same last name.
Ain't that enough?
They all like some Dr. Seuss story set in G ville.

Despite that all...they's my kind o people.
Offered me a beer in the children's park.
An this an uptight place...
Can't even eat yo own meat sandwich in the vegetarian cafe.
Drank the beers out of cardboard pirate cups....
Leftover from some kiddies birthday.
He say he start his cocktail hour at eleven o'clock
Bright and early...with a vodka martini.
Wonder if he has an umbrella with that?
I know...a little bit fancy.
But they's fancy people.
They's antique dealers.

I been round their studio.
They got busts.
What's a bust?..It an old time word for titties.
He show me this poor woman made a marble....
She been through it....
Her nose all broke legs....
Probly her husband did that.
That ain't no bust honey...
That all busted up.
An' he tryin' to sell it?
I reckon she needs buryin' back from where she came.

Then, they got these little wooden men
All grinnin' with no teeth...
Bits of twig for hair....
All the way from Africa.
Now what am I gonna do with that?
Scary though... wouldn't need a guard dog.

Ya'll know 'bout these antique dealers?
They the ones tryin' to sell you some old piece of china
All cracked up and dusty...found in the gutter
Tellin' you ya'll gotta pay more cus it a thousand years old.
I don't want no used china.
And if I did,
I'd take myself down to the Salvation Army.
Get myself a coat as well.
They gots stacks of it....just sittin' there for fifty cent.
George and Georgina?
I'm thinkin' ya'll is crooks of the crockery.

Personally, I prefer plastic.
Ya'll can't into no trouble with plastic.
It hit the wall, it bounce back.
My third husband.
There were never no conversation
Without some piece o china go
Flyin' cross the livin' room....
As if that's more persuadin'
After him, I switched to tupperware.

Saturday, 29 September 2007

Live Performance

Catch Double Door Norma live in person at Cafe Royale on Regent Street 9pm til late on Wednesday October 3rd. see for details.

Cannelloni Toni

And then there's Tony.
He another neighbor....Cannelloni Toni.
Hell. He a neighborhood unto himself.
Got his tv all cabled up so it play out Italian radio.
He were watchin' Miss Italia get crowned last week.
Boy were he happy.

Let's say he ain't much into decoratin'
Got a picture of the Pope all taped up on the kitchen door
Right next to some ladies he don't know
Legs akimbo.
They touchin' themselves
But they don't got no toilet paper
No panties on neither.

You know--them postcards ya'll get out of the phone booth?
He so cheap, he don't even buy his own pornography.
And Finally,
He got his dead brother and his grandkids...
All up on the same wall.
He don't even think to take 'em down
When the family visits.
"Oh look. There's Nicola, there's Sylvester,....
There we are at Disneyworld....
An' who's that? Snow White?.
That ain't Disney."
Boy. He livin' in another country.

Course he has some redeemin' qualities.
Come Wednesday nights,
He cook up a big cannelloni
For the whole neighborhood.
He bring it round to my door.
"...Is Toneeee....Cannelloni...."
All that greasy cheese.....

Pasta....It only flour and water.
How come they got fifty different names for the same thing?
This one's spaghetti---it too long---get all over your chin.
This one's linguini----it too long too, but a little bit fatter.
....Still get on your chin.
This one's fuselli----all curly like your mama's hair.
And this one. It got some little bundle o cheese
Tucked up inside it.


Now neighbors.
They's funny folk.
Ain't family....Ain't friends.
It' a forced acquaintanceship.
And watch out... if you ain't too busy,
Ya'll end up knowin' more about them than you do
'Bout your own self.

There this one woman in number 35.
She just takin' up space---three bedroom apartment.
Goin' wastin'.
She ninety something.
So old, even her grandkids dead.
'Bout time she died herself.

She always peekin' out her curtains.
Ya'll can see the curtains is movin'
If ya'll look close enough.
They ain't movin' by ain't no ghost.
Why peek?
Why don't you just take down them curtains,
Open up them windows real wide
Get yourself some fresh air
And binoculars.
We all knows yous lookin' at us.
Don't you got no tv?
But Hell.
It a free world.
It free to look...dependin' on what yous is lookin'at.

I'm wonderin' myself what ya'll be doin' in there sometimes.
With yo biscuits and yo cup o tea.
It just one big biscuit hour for you ain't it.
Why don't you dye your hair or something?
Get yourself some cats to feed.
Or get on one of them buses with the old people.
Go visit the zoo.
Take up bingo
And win yourself a tv.

And the woman downstairs.
She out of some scary movie.
She got hair all long and greasy.
Teeth the color of sunshine.
She all shiny in the wrong places.

She open the door to me one time.....
Ya'll gotta prepare your nostrils 'fore you ring her bell.
The stench of it...done burned my insides.
I reckon she breeding all kind of maggots down there
Send 'em up the plumbin' pipes my way when she bored.

She always bangin' on the ceiling
Even I drops a spoon on my kitchen floor.
One time....I banged her back with my fryin' pan.
Damn broke the handle. Had to get another one.
See, she costin' me now.

But I don't say nothin' no more.
She tell me she gonna die soon.
She all diabetic, eplileptic.....
Too sick to sneeze.
All this time,
I thought that noise down there were booty bashin'?
Turn out it were her havin' seizures.
Well I say seize the day.
Bring on the disease.

(Spoken Time 2:16)

Friday, 28 September 2007

Upside Down Hallelujah

A holiday.....
That's what I need.
Ya'll know what people get on with on holiday.....
Just a room with a bed in a different location.
"Didn't come back with no photos....
Lost the camera."
Sure you did.

One big fucking change of scene.
Some far way place
Where they don't speak English,
So I don't has to listen to no more bull shit for a while.
Some place where theys be dinin' differently....
Eat their food with them funny little sticks...
Chewing on that roasted doggy right off the spit....
And got a chicken named Spot...for a pet....shit
With his own bedroom
Take 'im on the bus---
To chicken school

That is fornicatingly foreign.
I be hangin' with them foreign people....
Cun see it now.
Big towel on my head...
Ridin' camels down the highway...
Passin' up police cars
Ninety miles an hour
Humpin' away.

Why do they wear their bedsheets in the daytime
And their clothes at night?
It all backward.....just the ticket.
I need an upside down hallelujah basically.

Or maybe just a desert island.
Me and my honey.....all alone....
Kingin' and Queenin'
I got to thinkin' about that the other day.
There we is all parked up pretty...
On a tropicallll.... paradisicallll... desert island.
With just one palm tree.
And you know?
It were so damn hot....

I were lickin' my lips.
Even the flies were layin' down.
Couldn't think straight.
I was missin' my air conditionin' right away.
Then my favorite tv show--The Tulip Hour.
Hell, I was even missin' Chicken Shack.

We had nothin' to drink.
Nothin' to smoke.
Nothin' to eat.
And after a while,
Nothin' to say.
Fish were jumpin'
Up out of the water.
Could we catch um?
No. Not for shit.
I was so hungry for something, I started eatin' ma own toe nails.
And when I were done, I started on his toe nails....
'Course he liked that.
So next time I in need of a holiday,
I thinking now I'll just quietly check into the Holiday Inn.

(Spoken time 2:10)

Hello Kitty

Japanese ladies and cameras.
Clickin' clickin' clickin'
Do you ever see them floatin' around
Skimmin' the sidewalk with their tiny little shoes?
They got $500.00 in their pink little Kitty purses.
All prettied-up just to go out an' buy more pretty kitty things.
"Oh look! It a Kitty address book.
I don't have one of those.
Not in pink anyway."

They like miniature dolls.
Got the Chinese eyes.
Drink lots of tea.
Eat the food with the sticks.
Now what up with that?
No wonder they so skinny.
How's you gonna eat a hamburga with a stick?
Pick it up with yo bare hands please.
And put away that instant liquid hand soap.
Ya'll ain't that dirty.
They's get in out everytime they even touch a pole on the bus.
It an insult to the bus driver and to me.
And what's they doin' here anyway?
They says they here to learn English.
Hell. Some of them twenty years old.
Didn't they learn English at home?
An' anyway. This America. We don't talk that language here.

(Spoken 1:06)

Freight Trains

Freddy drives a freight train.
He used to drive a truck.
And before that,
He were so low down on his luck,
He had a bicycle....
With one wheel.

He come up in the world though.
I get so proud thinkin' how he did that.

One day, it were so cold and wintry.
He decided he didn't want to ride home no more.
So he stold himself a car--just sittin' there with the keys in it.
Ain't technically stealin' if it like that.
He said it were a gift from the Lord.
His religion allows for it.
It got all kind o clauses.

Then the car broke down one day.
He were at a truck stop fillin' up on pancakes.
He got to talkin' friendly with one of the truck drivers.
Freddy so social.
Man said he was goin' to California.
Guess he never got there as he gave Freddy a ride.
Freddy say he just fell out o the truck
When they was changin' drivers.
Such a shame.
He got to his destination though--changed ID with the man
So as it would be no trouble for his boss....paperwork n' all.
And do you know?
That man were actually a train driver.
So Freddy took over his job.
'Course he had to change his name to Earl
But that a small price to pay.

(Spoken 1:17)

Thursday, 27 September 2007

Little Ben Fixing the Road

(My Three year old son talking.)

Oh No.
He picked the pieces.
This stop going making.
We we we we.
Chuck a too Chuck a too.
Look. look look look. look
See. That's blue. That's blue color.
Come on. Some body. uh oh. He gonna
Missed it. He's some in a book. Let's see.
Car car. Let's see. What happen/ It's on a blanket . in a bed.
somebody is in the bed. where's gone. i don't know.
is everywhere pieces. Let us see. Uh oh. so sorry.
I so sorry Benjamin. I don't know is ever fixing broke.
It have that way. In a middle. we we we wo.
Khhh. un n n. Doo doo doo. doo du du. look.
The fixing road. the all fixing road. look they all fixing road see.
They all the fixing in the building in the blocks. Look He's doing a building.
The wheels coming. tffff. tff. tffff.
One. yeah. that's number six. He do the number six.
Look . There's number two. one two. Let's do some number twos.
One and thirty and sixteen. Under go they left.
Look the fixing road. bee bee bee bee. Phhhhhh.
Oh Benjamin. He crash.. eeee he jump on the bed. he on his own
jum p in the bed. I smashed in the I got all the smashed on the bed.
Wa wa wa. uh oh Mr. Forest. Eject his salad. He jumped the salad.
I can't see it now. I can't see it. But I more. get it now.
You get it. You get it. A wah. Gudda wah--six and fours.

Suicide Volunteers

Now Lucy...she so sad and lonely.
She got the suicide hotline number --one on the speed dial.
She be pressin' it all the time.
She abuses that number...
She even tried to order a pizza through them one time.
"I'm gone kill myself if you don't get me a pepperoni and sausage pizza
Right now delivered to my door in the next thirty minutes....
And throw in a side salad and coca cola."
She didn't get it.
Then she call 'em up and say she gonna sue them
For makin' her take her own life.
You know what they say when she call?
"Oh it you again. Ain't you dead yet?"

They know she just lookin' for attention.
I think they's spose to be nice n' supportive
But they's just people--They's sick of it.
N' they don't get paid neither.
Suicide Volunteers.
Now what kind o trip is they on?
Is they lives so bad, they gotta listen to someone else's
Sorry tale just to make themselves feel better.
They low down....obviously got problems of their own
So bad they just wanna git out of the house.
Two in the morning?
What would you rather be doin'?
Sittin' in some phone call center
With flourescent lightin' and powdered coffee drinks?
Or restin' up after some old fashioned booty bashin'?
Ain't what I call a social life.

(Spoken 1:26)

Suburban Code

(This monologue is done in the accent of a Chicago North Shore Suburban housewife. Her main concerns are the length of her nails and then other people's business.)

Hello there. How are you? So nice to meet you. Welcome to the neighborhood.
I've brought you a bunt cake.
Hope you're not diabetic.
I'm sure you're gonna love it here.
You're gonna fit right in.....I'm sure.....
It might take a while....But you'll fit...and if not....
You'll feel'll just know......
We'll burn a cross in your yard and'll just go.
But hey. I'm counting the chickens before
They've even been roasted here.

Let's start at the beginning.
Here's your welcome pack.
You'll find everything you need to know about living in Spreadlock Springs.
We're a gated community, as you know.
So why have gates if you're gonna throw away the key?
I'm just gonna run down a few of the basics with you...
Let's see....we have:

Uniformity Brings Us Closer
"UBUC" for short. Ooooh Buck.... Oh sorry excuse me.

Everyone's house must be sided in beige or gray.
Everyone's house must be set back 20 to 30 meters from the road.
Everyone must leave a margin of five feet for the mailman to get around your mail box.
...Incase you have any big packages....
Lawns must be kept between one and half and two inches long
At all times...
If you don't have this setting on your mower,
You can purchase one at the main office.
Nobody mows their own lawn...unless you have a ride on
OR you have obsessive compulsive disorder in which case,
You need a doctor's note.
All lawn ornaments must be registered with the main office if they exceed five feet.
Lawn ornaments over five feet will be considered religious monuments...
And therefore, will require a Church permit to operate.

Everyone must have a friend or relative in the church choir.
And another friend having an affair....cyber or otherwise.
And another friend undergoing plastic surgery ,
Tooth whitening, or a nervous breakdown.
And finally, a friend who is allergic to nuts, milk, yeast, gluten,wheat, and pollen.
Other household must-haves include: a barbecue, an outdoor trampoline, and a vibrating massage chair
which should remain dusty and locked in the spare bedroom, an eight-seater passenger vehicle,
and a deep freeze in the garage or basement containing
A three months' supply of steaks and frozen pizzas.

You will also need: an in ground swimming pool or neighbor who has one, a subscription to some internet porn websites that the wife doesn't know about, some golf clubs, a cyber pen pal in a foreign country, satellite tv with atleast 200 stations, a favorite tv show, and you must know
the current name of the US President. I think at the moment, he's being called an asshole.
However, do not attempt to learn the names of foreign capitals or politicians. That would be.... unamerican.

Would you like a sip of water?

We have five block parties a year.
You are required to come to three.
We have a small mall down the road.
We expect you to shop there three times a week....
For periods no less than two hours
With a minimum total purchase of fifty dollars each time.
You should be in debt for the rest of your life.
We expect you to work 80 to 100 hours a week
To maintain this deficit....
Take three days off a year...
And if you have kids,
Stick them in a MOntessori.

(Spoken Time 3:27)

Costco Queen

Our neighborhood got some class though...
It ain't all chicken shacks and dollar stores.
There's talk we even goin' get a Costco.
All them big booty ladies and they jellified husbands
Pullin' up in their gleamin'
So Unbelievable Voluminous
If ya'll can't remember the letters,
Just call them People Carriers.
Spose to fit 8 to 10 people--
But by the time they's done at Costco,
They can't fit a one.

They get in the store.
Go truckin' around in motorized shopping carts..
They can't walk no more--
They stuffed themselves so full of
Discount Cream puffs....
Bursting out of size 5x panties...

Can you imagine those skinny little women in Taiwan...
Sewing up them 5x underpants fo' 10 cents an hour?
That must be a hoot.
I bet they hold 'em up when they's done sewin'
Have a good ole howl in Chinese...
They can put their whole family in there.
Probably take a pair home an' use it like a bed sheet.

An' if you hungry, ya'll can use it like a restaurant.
Just go round eatin' all them samples.
Them ladies with the toaster ovens and little toothpicks?
They so old, they blind...ain't gonna know.
Come back five minutes later...
No need to re-disguise.

Ninety cream puffs for $2.99.
50 barbecued chicken wings---$5.99.
500 jumbo shrimp already pinked up n' cooked---$19.99...
Today only.
They's fools for anything ending in 99.
It a magic number....
Ya'll could serve them up a roasted doggy made in China
As long as the price is right....

My Sista? She otherwise known as the Costco Queen.
She say it her husband, Costco King, doin' all the buyin'
They have a party? Somebody's birthday? No.
It a Hallelujah Celebration for Costco.
They be like twins of Jesus...feedin' the 5000.
Platters of this...platters of that.
Chinese, Barbeque, Japanese, Mexican....every kind o food ya'll can think of.
Put the 24 hour buffet to shame....
Or out of business if they keep on.

"Ya'll don't like apple pie? I got pecan.
Ya'll don't like pecan pie? I got pumpkin.
Ya'll don't like pie?
Take a break.... have some chocolate cake.
.... ice cream with that...or whipped?"

She a power shopper too.... don't waste no time....shops in bulk.
Why buy a tiny little carton of whippin' cream for 89 cents
When you can have yourself a whole gallon for a dollar?
She organized.
She make sure her shoppin' time don't conflict with her eatin'
Got two freezers in the basement--
One for a cow and the other one for pizzas.

She don't get out of the car if she have to walk....
...Mo' than five spaces? No.
That too strenuous.... She just wait....
'Til the lady in the wheel chair van get up an' go.
Wheel chair parkin'? Now that be the business.
What d'ya'll have to do to get one of them stickers?

John and Shirley

Now John and Shirley...
They been together so long,
They can't remember how they met
Or whys theys still togetha
Hell. Maybe they is just
Brother and sister....caught up in the same bed.
They be fightin' all the time like cat and dog
Bicker bicker bicker
And then -bang- some piece o china go missin'
John , he like hangin with the gay boys.
He say it a hobby--not an occupation.
I ain't so sure as they still don't have no kids
After twenty years....all that time.
An Shirley there....She got a book on the bedside table...
"How to get pregnant."
Honey.First of all.... Put down the book. That how you do it.
Ain't no reading involved as far as I know.
Me. I'm self-educated.
I started when I was thirteen.
Got a lot a years behind me.
Under age I know, but ya'll got a good appetite
For absorbing things when yo younger.
That what the teacher said.

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

Lila Knocks at My Door

I wonder.
Do you have some bread?
I am not the sort of person that I can't afford my own bread.
No. Infact, I probably have nicer bread than you.
But I was just being neighborly.
And as I am somewhat diabetic,
I can't ask you for sugar.

Oh. Thank you. This bread....I wonder.
Could you toast it for me?
I am not the sort of person to have bread by itself;
Not even with jam and butter.
Can you put jam and butter as well please?

Or perhaps some meat you have.
I know you have some meat in the house
As I heard a baby crying the other day
When I was walking past.
You must have meat in the house
If you have a baby.
It is essential for babies of all kinds.

No?....I wonder.... Do you have some money?
I would like to go to the cinema.
You see. I locked myself out
And I am waiting for my husband to come home
To let me in.
I am not the sort of person to walk the streets
Aimlessly pretending to window shop
Or admire trees in the park
Feeding birds with stale bread
Picking up loose rubbish in the pathways
Fighting with people on the bus who get in my seat
Asking for discounts on rotten meat
Listening to the laughter of other people's children
No. That is not me.

My husband will return soon.
He is on a no-smoking program.
They make him take flights to far away places
Six hours at a time
And sit on the plane where he can not smoke at all
Not even in the lavatory.
He is so brave to do this.
It is very expensive for him and very painful.
And the instructor..he has to pay for her too...
But he says he thinks that in one year from now...
Or maybe two, he...he will be cured.

Lila The Ex-pat Polish Princess

(This character is separate from Norma. She is a hemisphere away--an eccentric aging Polish aristocrat living in North London for the past thirty years, but in her mind, she has never left her homeland. She has a high-pitched lilting squeaky voice.)

Hello. How are you?
My name is Lila. Oh how silly of me to introduce myself.
You certainly must know who I am unless you are....
So common that you do not read the papers...
A possibility from looking at your shoes.
Or maybe you have a bad shoe day.
You have probably seen me in the magazines.....
in my long gowns and tiaras.
Shaking hands with other princesses like myself.
Maybe why you don't recognize me now.

Oh . You are artist?
Well then . You must certainly come and see my collection
Of cardboard Jesus Paintings.
I will give you a tour, but of course,
Not for free.
I would appreciate some offer of jewelry
Or trrrrrinkets if they are gold or have some style.
You over there. Your dress is very lovely,
But please, do wash it before you give it to me.
Your choice of perfume is overpowering
Even at this distance.

The price tag. Yes. I know.
I stick it on there especially. 10 pence.
Is not true price. Is precaution....
For the robbers that come at night,
Incase they want to steal my precious paintings,
They see price and walk away.

This one lovely.....
Is Jesus the Shepard on the hill with the baby sheep.
They are bleating....
Bleating for Jesus.
And you wonder, I know, about the gold frames.
Yes. They are plastic. It is not that I can't afford
It is precaution. As I have many thieves in my house
Come night.
Also, the real gold is too too heavy.
It makes them to fall off the wall at night and smash my plants.

Yes. These plants...very special plants.
I know. Dead yes. Dead for many years now.
But Elvis gave them to me.
What can I do?
He was such a good tennant.
Nobody knows
How he loved gardening....and so...
He put the potted palm trees all the way
Up the stairs....and watered them
With wine.....every night.

I am not one to write a book about my times
With Elvis. Infact. I think ....I say nothing more about him now
Even to you. But I will tell you about Lady Di.
Or perhaps next time.
My doctor is coming for dinner.
I must ready.

Kevin The Fisting King

I know this one Kevin guy....
Used to know him real well.
Ya'll gotta watch out for Kevins.
For that matter... anything or anyone
Beginning with a K.

He say he an electrical engineer.
Fancy words.....mean---he don't do a thing.
He just tell other people what to do.
Infact, he don't even tell them---he just draw 'em a map.
"Drill here...I'll be drill'in over there."

But he handy --- he all hands.
He even reconfigured a personal device
For a friend of mine.
She were usin' too many batteries.
Now, she only have to plug it in the wall.
Saved her a lot of dimes and aggravation.

Except she don't have a socket in the bedroom.
So he gonna fix her one soon.
Meanwhile, she unplugged the toaster...
Extension chord is runnin' from the kitchen to the bedroom.
Hell. If she ain't trippin' over it, she skippin' rope.

Me and Kev was out the other evenin'
Along with a third party I was tryin' to impress...
He ask him...
"So Kevin...What's yo specialty?"
Kevin don't even blink.
He say, "Fisting."
Now there's a lot of hobbies
I can think of first--especially in mixed company:
Fishin', aroma therapy, gardenin......E.S.P.
Poor man's so plain talkin'...He had to be honest.

But he creative too-
He even made up a song.

"I'm Kevin the Fisting King....
Kevin the Fisting King....
It would take me half as long
If I took off all my rings."

Yeah. He got a thing with jewelry.
He don't throw away his wedding rings
When he gets divorced. Gotta have a momento.
A keepsake...a souvenir.... as if he don't have enough
In the way of children.
No. He keep 'em all---he got a ring on every finger.
Use it like a knuckle duster
To fight off all these women wanting him so badly....
Or maybe they just into his specialized travelin' side show....
Then again,
He also got to fight off the men whose women
He didn't manage to fight off.

Lawyer Sawyer

Now there be one of my customers....
Who was all talk and tallness.
Lawyer Sawyer
Used to handle divorces
So ain't so dumb as to be getting married anytime soon.
An as it is,
He got so many women...
One for every day of the week.
He couldn't choose if he had to.
'Course he living in Asia.
It a country where that there is legal.
He good with the ladies.
He gone a long time now.
I reckon he off sippin'Mai Tais on the Mekong
Right about now.

I asked Lawyer Sawyer why he went to Korea.
I asked a couple of his colleagues first.
"Oh I came to see the temples."
"I came to see the mountains."
" I wanna learn the language."
Not Lawyer Sawyer.
He a straight talking man.
He said,
"I came here, to make as much money as I can
And have as many women as I can find."

One time, Lawyer went to the bank.
He were changin his four thousand dollars
into Korean money for one of his "holidays".
It called won and got a lot of zeros after it.
But the bank lady made a mistake.
She got all caught up with them zeros....
And gave him the equivalent of
Forty Thousand Dollars.
'Course, not wanting to embarrass her,
He just took it and went.
He packed a small suitcase
An got on a plane.
I reckon he got himself a Loooong vacation.
Honey he still on it.

Billy Bradson

When I first become a teenager,
I reckoned it were time I started....
I started a few things...
Started wearing make-up....
My mama...she said,"Make-up! You's is only 13 girl.
Next thing you know, you be starring in a
Whore movie."
You know how all roads lead to Rome?
Well with my Mama,
It's all roads lead to a whore movie
And you is the star.

I were thinkin she left out a few key stages there--
there's the first date, first boyfriend, first pizza together,
first under-aged beer, first kiss,
Then first base, second base, third base....
Home run..... first loss of the virginity.
Not that there's a second.

'Course I remember this loss very well.
One day, I were putting on my mascara
In the wing mirror of Billy Bradson's motorcycle.
Always had to sneak and put it on outside the trailer
On my way to school.
Billy were sweet....big family....
His daddy was a lawyer.
His younger brother's daddy was a fireman.
But his older brother's daddy....He a bum.
So Billy used to get on his bike and ride sometimes.
Long journeys....gone for days or weeks at a time.
So when he asked me if I wanted a ride that day,
I agreed....
And I never did touch my big toe back inside Tennessee
Ever again.

Hare Krishna Underwear

I been havin a bad day all day today
An it ain't even happy hour yet.
Think its on account of my underwears.
If I don't get them right,
Ain't nothin' go right the rest of the day.
That a basic.
Ya'll gotta to keep all tucked up inside.

These that I is wearin' today?
They was a gift....
No. It ain't what yo thinkin...
Nothin' lacey goin' on.

...One hundred percent
Pure white cotton.
Five for a dollar.
Couldn't be more plain if you was campin'.
I bet the ladies in the army got better gear than this.
An they's is nearly men.
Yeah my panties today--- was from a female friend.
She elderly
or else, she trying to convert me
To some religion where they don't have sex.

Like them Harry's with the orange bedsheets?
They be chantin' all day
Slappin' themselves upside the head
Tryin to think of nothin'.
Hell. I got drugs for that.
I'll give you some.
"Hum dah hum dah hum dah..."
No You Harrys... It's "Hum vee."

A Humvee is what you be needing....
And a new song.
That'd put some style back in yo religion.
You got to modernize.
I can see ya'll in that big yellow hum vee now
Tooling down the road...
Picking up converts...
Wearing orange bikinis.
Skip the free dinners honey.
Get yo self a sound system
Put in your Hare Rama CD.
N you good to go.
...Hum Vee Heaven.

Slick Sally Snicker

Also known as “Triple S” as opposed to "Triple X"

Or should I say "as well as?"

She sure been getting a lot of calls lately.

Don’t be telling me they all just friends.

Aint nobody that busy

She say, “I just social.”

Social Security maybe

Social disease?

Yes Sir Doctor Definet-ly.

Social? Social my ass.

(pause) no …her ass.

She ain't one to waste no time.

Two years o high school and she done honey.

She got business to do. She a lady of business.

She should be gettin her own diploma right now

for what all she be earnin'.

She sold her poodle so many time,

She got a barcode tattooed on her ass.

But she gots a classy game goin on

I just be talking jealous n' shit.

She even got her own customer loyalty card...

You know like when you get that free coffee…

Any size you like if you keep on comin?

It better be free by the tenth time--shit. Them coffees

expensive. I happen to dine at places ya'll can get yo self a

ten course dinner for less. And my customer, Harry--

Hairy Harry. He always be comin in with one of them

Cafay Lattays....Hell. All that drinkin, he could a had

himself a limousine by now...or atleast some breath mints.

So as I was sayin' bout Sally....

Nine visits, tenth one is free.

And half a stamp for extras.

And on the back of the card...

in swirley gold letters,

It say "Thank you for comin'"

Come again.

But we’s friends....

I think the only competition left be

Dana Down There

Also known as Double D.

But she been on the game so long,

She got kids with her regulars.

Infact, she got a kid in every state.

Hell, they all be up there in Congress with their Daddies' help.

Now her sister---she don’t charge a thing.

She be all about free love n shit.

She be wearing one of them t-shirts you know is tie died

It look like somebody died in it....

Didn't get no time to wash off the bloood.

It look like one of them tv commercials for washing powder

Where the woman put the jam, the peanut butter,

the cigarette ash, the mustard,

the coffee and the dog shit

All up on the t-shirt then throw it in the wash.....

when she should be throwing it in the trash.....

Except Sally’s t-shirt didn’t go in the wash

Or else they forgots the washing powder

It just be a mess. Basically.

But somehow, her ugly t-shirt....

Make her look more fine than she actually is.

An' she need that help.

She ain’t driving no hard bargain o nothing like that.

No she probably payin sometimes

Well cuz ‘n ....she uuuuugly.

But pretty inside… they say.

Ya’ll know you’s is ugly if people be telling you yous is pretty inside.

Hell every lady got a pretty inside.

"Where’s yo pretty?"

"Oh...It inside."

She even in the girl scouts.

You know them cheerleader rejects...

They all be wearin green.

They all got a club where they sell cookies.

They is worse than streetwalkers.

At least the street walker stay in the street

She don’t be ringin your doorbell or nothing.

Sellin "cookies"

Can you imagine…

Dingin someone’s doorbell

Ya’ll want some of my cookies?

If you do, you can’t have them right now.

Ya’ll gotta order them first...sign here and wait a month.

Ya’ll know how that make a man feel when he gotta wait?

You wanna put your name down here right next to your neighbors'?

……He getting five boxes.

Monday, 24 September 2007

The Sally Snick Bicker

That woman Sally Snick?
She all fiction
She drivin a new car every year now.
The latest one....
It ain't just a car...
It an au-to-mo-bile
Y'all can't tell me
She earned the money for them wheels
With her own bare hands.
Bare somethin'...
Not hands.

Sunday, 23 September 2007

In between
Coughs frozen together
By a bronchial Lullaby
Three months on I
Dragged another cloud down

Singed by the weather, the glow of my tip
shuddered and mixed with my morning cup
As I waited
And we waited
For the N13 fumes of the Crouch End bus

Underneath but still in line we listened
To London's Atheistic chimes
I looked up
Like in church to see
If Mable's chippy was open
Or still shut
Through the stop's supposed window pane

It was glass before it was plastic
It was plastic before some kids
Yound and drastic
Took a crack
At it addicts
Now it's clear.

My First Husband

I don't waste no time with my words...
Nor my men neither.
If one ain't no good,
I just get me another one
Quick as I can.

But my first husband...
I loved him.
I killed him.
Ain't no more sorry tale than that.
Was my birthday an all.
He got me a water pistol for my 22nd.
Well I thought it were a water pistol.
He always be jokin like that.
Mind you, he had a genuine side too.
But by the time I got up to his hip.
He be dead.
Damn bled all over the carpet.
First thing I did...
Put in an emergency call to the carpet cleaners right away.
Do you know?
They wanted 200 dollars to clean the carpet!
What an expensive day.
Not havin the money an all,
I took old Jethro out back.
Had to keep him rolled up so the neighbours wouldn't see
You know they'd be talkin about it for days if they knew.
So I covered him with some leaves
and took the carpet inside to wash it up all pretty n shit
in the bathtub
but then, there was so much blood
I had me a drainage problem
so I called the plumber
he think he so observant....
"This here ain't no wine you been makin is it Miss?"
Bang. ...Had to use my gun.
then another phone call to my half-brother Jim Bob...
He the sheriff.
Filed a missing persons report and well
killed a few birds with that stone.
Ain't heard nothin since.
Don't even know where he put them.
Hope they ain't buried together.
Jethro never liked plumbers.

College Folk

Double Door Norma is a real Live person (Unless she dead now) who I met one cold winter night in Chicago's Double Door Liqour Bar Saloon some years ago. Wicker Park way before it was trendy or even safe to live there. At that time, The Double Door was a seedy establishment with a honky-tonk feel catering to dames in distress such as Norma: on the laminate wood walls, an illuminated Coors Beer clock dripped out the time with a faux moving waterfall. And across the smoky room, in another time zone, an Elvis clock with eyes moving left and right to denote the passing of seconds counts down the hours til closing time. Double Door Norma came up to us and asked:

You's ain't regulars here is ya?
No. (answering for us.)
You's is college folk.
I can always tell them college folk a mile away
Always dressed in raggy clothing with asses comin out the sides
but infact
you just came from a cocktail party eatin food of beds of lettuce.
How come they can't give you a paper plate?
Ain't got the money for it?
Or the manners?
Finger food my ass.
Hell I ain't no cave woman.
How do I know?
Cuz my cousin
Her next door neighbour's sister went to college
She came home talking some kind of foreign language.
Ya'll wanna go to the bathroom?
"Excuse me while I use the lavatory."
Honey, if you catch me usin the "lavatory",
I'd be done pissed myself by the time I got there.
Ain't no use in usin big words when you got little ones
to do the same thing.
I don't waste no time with my words.