Thursday, 27 September 2007

Suburban Code

(This monologue is done in the accent of a Chicago North Shore Suburban housewife. Her main concerns are the length of her nails and then other people's business.)

Hello there. How are you? So nice to meet you. Welcome to the neighborhood.
I've brought you a bunt cake.
Hope you're not diabetic.
I'm sure you're gonna love it here.
You're gonna fit right in.....I'm sure.....
It might take a while....But you'll fit...and if not....
You'll feel'll just know......
We'll burn a cross in your yard and'll just go.
But hey. I'm counting the chickens before
They've even been roasted here.

Let's start at the beginning.
Here's your welcome pack.
You'll find everything you need to know about living in Spreadlock Springs.
We're a gated community, as you know.
So why have gates if you're gonna throw away the key?
I'm just gonna run down a few of the basics with you...
Let's see....we have:

Uniformity Brings Us Closer
"UBUC" for short. Ooooh Buck.... Oh sorry excuse me.

Everyone's house must be sided in beige or gray.
Everyone's house must be set back 20 to 30 meters from the road.
Everyone must leave a margin of five feet for the mailman to get around your mail box.
...Incase you have any big packages....
Lawns must be kept between one and half and two inches long
At all times...
If you don't have this setting on your mower,
You can purchase one at the main office.
Nobody mows their own lawn...unless you have a ride on
OR you have obsessive compulsive disorder in which case,
You need a doctor's note.
All lawn ornaments must be registered with the main office if they exceed five feet.
Lawn ornaments over five feet will be considered religious monuments...
And therefore, will require a Church permit to operate.

Everyone must have a friend or relative in the church choir.
And another friend having an affair....cyber or otherwise.
And another friend undergoing plastic surgery ,
Tooth whitening, or a nervous breakdown.
And finally, a friend who is allergic to nuts, milk, yeast, gluten,wheat, and pollen.
Other household must-haves include: a barbecue, an outdoor trampoline, and a vibrating massage chair
which should remain dusty and locked in the spare bedroom, an eight-seater passenger vehicle,
and a deep freeze in the garage or basement containing
A three months' supply of steaks and frozen pizzas.

You will also need: an in ground swimming pool or neighbor who has one, a subscription to some internet porn websites that the wife doesn't know about, some golf clubs, a cyber pen pal in a foreign country, satellite tv with atleast 200 stations, a favorite tv show, and you must know
the current name of the US President. I think at the moment, he's being called an asshole.
However, do not attempt to learn the names of foreign capitals or politicians. That would be.... unamerican.

Would you like a sip of water?

We have five block parties a year.
You are required to come to three.
We have a small mall down the road.
We expect you to shop there three times a week....
For periods no less than two hours
With a minimum total purchase of fifty dollars each time.
You should be in debt for the rest of your life.
We expect you to work 80 to 100 hours a week
To maintain this deficit....
Take three days off a year...
And if you have kids,
Stick them in a MOntessori.

(Spoken Time 3:27)

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