Thursday, 10 April 2008

Rock Star Credentials

I am a Rock Star
My credentials are....

First of all. I drink every single day.
I start with a cocktail around 11.
If I am up early.....
No I am never up early....unless I am up very very late.
I do not drink before I have read the paper.


If I do not drink before 11, I make sure to have some sort of drug within a 24 hour period.
If I forget to have some sort of drug within this 24 hour period
(as my watch is so fancy that I can't read the dial) ,
I stay in the hotel so that the paparazzi can't see that I am somewhat normal.
No no no. I am not "normal". I am just having a "normal" day. Big difference.
If I am feeling "normal", I put the sunglases so that I can appear mysteriously subdued as I step out to buy my own paper.
This simple "everyman action" keeps me in touch with the people.
As they photograph me buying a magazine instead of a paper, the people applaud me as they are also reading about my recent exploits. If I have memory loss, I can read about what became of me on a certain night by reading about it in a variety of magazines. I find this only somewhat useful as it does not include the phone number of the person or people I subdued.

I do not know what day it is. As I am a rock star, I have someone to tell me if I need to know. I only need to know what city I am in as I do not wish to offend the people of the town I am playing in. The further away, the better.

I eat very plain food (if I am male). I eat it off a paper plate with no knife or fork.
I eat very fancy food (if I am female) which has to be shipped in from a country atleast six hours away by plane. The further away, the better. If the plane can go around the globe twice on its way to my stage door, the dinner is even more special. If it is cold upon arrival, I have it heated up in a microwave. It must be stainless steel and it must be.....Delonghi. No other microwave will do.

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