Thursday, 20 January 2011

Meet My Car that Massages your Ass

(Photo by Ron Cincinnati Burning Man 2010)

You have to see it. Mark had it on order for two years.
Watch this. Press it.
"Please get in my car that massages your ass."
He recorded it.
"How do you do. Does it say anything else? Up, down....recline. What's this M for? Missile?"

"No. Massage. You can have it on heat; you can have it on massage; you can have it on vibrate."
"Sounds like you could have a complete orgasm just driving down the road. Just think if you pressed 'O'. Imagine how many accidents that would be. That is a dangerous remote.

O is for Gasm, H is for heat.
S is for Slow and also for Sweet.
F is for Faster and G is for Go.
H is for Higher and L is for Low.

What's the FM for? Find Me? Fondly?"
"Down you little cheerleader. It's the radio. Can you say radio?"

Zoe presses the remote to heat the seats before entry.
"It'll warm up. Let's go back inside and have a latte. "
She pours a few inches of Hazlenut Coffemate into her jug. It's not a cup. It ain't no mug either. It's a jug-mug.

I wonder why two people need four vehicles. I do some simple math. Well. There is the refridgerated meat truck....
which is strictly for hauling cows
from Nebraska to Kansas....dead cows....steaks...vacuum packed t-bones and hamburger patties.

The meat truck used to be for tailgating at Chiefs Games but the Chiefs have been losing lately, so Zoe and Mark no longer support them. Winning is the only option especially when the tickets are so high. Sounds like something Sarah Palin would say. Her biography. Why thank you. What a nice gift.

Just one cow per year which resides in the deep creak of the deep freeze.
Year-round BANBI as opposed to BAMBI....Black Angus Nebraskan Beef down in the basement two dollars ten cents a t-bone. He says it is the best. He says that word, "best" as his head tilts, his jaw locks and his neck stiffens. You think you are watching a pitbull in a western. You remind yourself that this man is not related. He comes from a few states over.

"Grass fed cows rrrr too gamey. Grass fed? Naahhh. It's like chicken...Corn fed all the way man." I think of Wall-E and the big people on the ride in the space ship sipping the big shake. America didn't like that movie. We saw a movie together. Zoe and Mark huddled around a giant bag of popcorn. They only shared it with Ben as he is a child. Then they asked me to go and get a refill as I was nearest the aisle and moving for them is a bigger chore than it is for me.
This year, they made two trips to Nebraska.They hauled nine cows as word has spread....Black Angus Nebraskan Beef....$2.10 a pound....spread out over their garage floor as they auction it off.

It was good to see them. I had my ass massaged too. It was pleasant, but not completely necessary. It's not something I feel I'm missing when I drive down the road. Then again, I haven't been driving for a while.

1 comment:

DOGBOY said...

I can't stop reading

O is for Gasm, H is for heat.
S is for Slow and also for Sweet.
F is for Faster and G is for Go.
H is for Higher and L is for Low.