Monday, 26 November 2007

Gated Community

In voice of---Linda Lovelace (Chair of the social society for the gated community of Wintergreen Springs)

Hello and welcome....welcome....
Take your coats off....feel at home...
Not too at home.
You have homes to go to.
This is the first annual meeting
Of the Wintergreen Springs Gated Community Social club.
You can call it WSGC for short.
We're a cosy group.
You're here to rules tonight.
Why call it a gated community if you just throw away the key?
Let's start with the basics:

Each house must be set back from the road exactly 35 feet.
That's an easy rule to follow as you didn't build your house yourself... did you?
Secondly, the grass should be kept between one and two inches at all times.
If you have any problems with this, our handy caretaker can come out
And readjust your blades
With his measure.
He will be around to measure your lawn on a weekly basis.
Don't worry. You don't have to be home.

What colour do you want your house?
Pink, baby blue, or dark orange?
Well it ain't happening here....we're not Barnum and Bailey's Flying Circus.
You choose: White, beige, or for the deep thinkers and eccentrics...
We have dark gray.
If you are a decisive person, (we like that) get it sided.
You house will be white, beige or gray until you die.
Unless, of course, you move.
If you choose to paint your house,
You are welcome to switch between the three colors,
but prior notice is needed...Inform Sam at the clubhouse.
Permission will be granted....but we love paperwork.

You must also have at least five televisions.
One must be on at all times...
We recommend the kids' rooms or the kitchen for this.
You must have a subscription to 200 cable channels.
You must eat breakfast while watching the morning news
In the kitchen and never sit down, never finish your coffee,
And always kiss your partner and children before leaving for work.
If this takes too much time, either alternate this task every other day,
Or choose just one or the other.
And if your children are under five, stick them in the Montessori.

You must have a deep freeze the size of Antarctica in your basement.
In this, you must have at least three frozen pizzas, ten gourmet ready meals,
half a cow portioned into hamburgers and steaks, and some sort of vegetarian
Option for difficult guests.
We're a very gregarious group.
You are required to attend
Four block parties per year.
It's BYOB-bring your own beer
And BOYB-Be on your best behaviour.
But that rule is usually broken
Due to the first one.

We're going to take a break now and have some bunt cake...
Emma Lou?
Oh. She's not here. Sorry --no bunt cake, however,
If you wish a piece of bunt cake to be mailed to you
Please sign the guest list at the back of the theatre.

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