Thursday, 17 January 2008

Obituary Olympics

We git a Chrustnas card frin The Oratts.
Actually, that's an interesting new language
Which comes from trying to smoke a cigarette while typing.
Don't smoke and type.
Unless ofcourse, you want a new language in your life.
That would be smoking.
I'll start again.

We got a Christmas card from the Pratts.
We knew it was from the Pratts as they sent a photo.
So we could identify them.
But they have changed their last name
As nobody, even if they are a Pratt,
Wants to be a Pratt.
To The Ozbournes....
Really dull.
And they spelled it wrong too
As Osbourne is usually with an "s".

Pratts at heart.

It was ailments every other line....
More ailments than family members.
Everything from heart attacks to corns on feet.
No body part was left untouched.
The first two ailments, we read and recoiled
Feeling a little sad for them
But as the list went into two pages
very large stationery
We were busting our guts by the end of it
As no one can take too much misery.
I think they won the hospital decathalon by miles.
Maybe next year, they can win the obituary olympics
But they, unknowlingly and most definetly
Cheered us up by sending us their own brand of Christmas Joy

We look forward to hearing from them
The Old Pratts, New Pratts, Ex-Pratts, OzPratts next Christmas.
Maybe they'll change their name again.
But there's five of them so that's a lot of paperwork.
Bank statements, school records, mortgage titles.
All of that to change.
Plus telling all your friends...
"Oh we are no longer Pratts."
I never thought of them as "pratts"
Until they changed their last name.
I wonder if they'll be out of hospital by next year.
Who knows
Maybe they'll all die.
Oh I can't end on such a dark note...
Maybe they'll all join a health club.
Hmm...not as entertaining.
Basically, of course...I/we wish them all well
And hope they don't have another year of hell,
But if they do, please tell.

And to think
They have all these accidents and illnesses
Without even leaving their own town.
Mavis hadn't recovered from her minor surgery
So she was feeling unable to look after her cat
Which is blind in one eye and has stiffness in her hind legs.
The stiffness is from being pinned under a shopping trolley
Many years ago....a freak accident which left her much less docile.
Dossy was her name as she really was so docile...from birth.
However, Mavis passed Dossy onto Matilda, her neighbour
who one day, fed dossy, the rat control pellets instead of Friskies.
And now....Mavis has dislocated her back
making a pilgrimage from her house
to the cemetary which is half a mile.
However, carrying a tombstone and a dead cat...(the cat coffin was ornate and must have weighed itself over 8 pounds), a half a mile is a long way.

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