Lila and the No Smoking Program

This monologue was performed at the Exmouth Arms on Saturday night as part of the Klezmer Night. This is done in the voice of Lila the ex pat polish princess:

Hello. I must wear my hat. I keep all my thoughts in here
Just like you... the man with the beard.
My husband has a beard, but he is not here tonight.
He is on a plane.....often on a plane
As he is on a no smoking program.
He has to sit in the seat for no smoking.
This makes it absolutely impossible for him to smoke.
Such pressure.
It is very hard and very difficult for him.
So hard and so expensive. So brave he is to do this.
SOmetimes, he sits on the plane for six hours.
Then he has to stay somewhere for a while
As he is tired...and so is his instrutor.
He says that this no smoking program will take...
About two years to complete.
His instructor says he is doing very well,
But still needs some improvement.
So he has to work hard to pay for this course.
Sadly, it is not enough
So we had to sell some of my things...my rings...
Some dresses....
Then my fur coat...he took off last week.
So sorry. But it is for a good cause.
But strange as I saw it on the lady next door.
Perhaps she has one just like mine.
She is always copying me.
She has no fashion sense of her own.
I have seen jewelry on her...
Just like mine...like I used to have.
Then , we had to sell Fifi.
Fifi was our beloved miniature barker.
So lovely....but so expensive...
She speaks Chinese. We had a Chinese translator.
She was born speaking Chinese
So she is a much rarer dog than the ones
Who go to Chinese lessons.
But then, I think I heard Fifi speaking next door.
It can not be though. And I know that that lady....
She doesn't speak Chinese very well if at all,
So they wouldn't get on very well
If it is Fifi...but of course, it is not.

Do you like my Jesus paintings?
This one is Jesus on the hill with the baby sheep.
They are bleating for Jesus.
You used to be able to hear them
But I have to change the battery.
Thank you...that you like them.
I know you are nodding inside.
They are painted on cardboard....
Printed actually. A very expensive technique.
They used to be in oil, but this cardboard is much more...
Modern. I want to keep up with the times.
And the price tags.....
I know...Only 59 pence.
It is not true.
They are secretly from Christies....£350,000.00
Each.
However, I do not want the thieves to know this.
They just see the price tag and are fooled by it.
Foolish of them...Last time they were here...
They only took the silver and the television.
They used to come regularly...
So I put out some cookies and milk for them...
Like you do for Santa Claus.
But they did not touch it....
Perhaps they were not hungry...
Or they didn't know it was for them.
I should leave a note in future.
We also took off the gold frames.
They were too heavy...
Could fall on your foot and cause some pain.
And also ...my husband needed them.
But I think that there is not much left for him or them to take now.


If you would like a tour sometime,
While the collection is still intact...
Please let me know.
However, only my good friends....
I do for free.
And as I have no good friends,
You must exchange something for this
Privelege.... a trinket or some such thing.
Like this lady over there.... your necklace...yes
The one next to the man with the
Big bald spot wit wisps of fake hair sewn into his head.
Did it hurt? It looks so unnatural.
If you are going to be bald, it is better to do it
In a windswept way...
So you look like you just came off a clipper ship
In Penzance
and are only docking long enough
For a pint of Guiness and some peanuts.
But you....
Men should never spend more time
On their hair than their ladies do.

Do you like my potted palm trees?
I know...they are dead.
But this is also good
As If I forget to water them...
I have not killed them
As they are already dead.
They were not killed.
They only died.
When ELvis died.
They were so sad about it.
He used to live here.
I will not tell you much about him.
He used to sleep in this room.
I slept in this room...and sometimes....
This room.
I am not one to write a book about it.
But I keep the plants he gave me.
That is all. I will tell you more next time.