( This is the text accompanying a mass portrait painting of mine.)
1. Mandy spends the weekend flipping between gardening and cooking programs while eating microwaveable dinners for one and tending her bonsai.
2. Stellian hopes of becoming a DJ have crashed along with his computer as he has downloaded one too many songs.
3. Anyone who don't like America is Unamerican according to George. Anyone speaking in a foreign tongue is Unamerican. Pizza is American. It was grown here. Don't talk to the Mexicans, but you can have a burrito.
4. Rufi has trainers for every occasion. Black for the disco...brown for job interviews....beige for family restaurants....white for weddings.....red and silver for dates....and blue for the gym.
5. Adam collects plastic toys from a well-known hamburger chain. He hopes to sell them as antiques in thirty years' time. But storage is becoming a problem.
6. Mr. Taranto is an ex-pro rugby player for Italy. In summer, he takes his family to a nine bedroom villa on the Island of Capri, then sails to the Island of Ponza. There are more servants than family members; a cook, a gardener, a pool cleaner, a house-keeper, head house-keeper and an English teacher. Course, they don't all fit in the boat.
7. Jethro got his wife a pistol for her 33rd birthday. She thought it was a water pistol. No more presents.
8. Raphael spent two years in Denmark. He learned the language but didn't see much of the country as he was in prison.
9. Edward failed his chemistry and maths final exam. He did well in art though. Now he has an "A" in maths and a cautious "B-" in chemistry. Didn't cheat on the exams, just the results.
10. Jason isn't bothered. If the football is on, he will watch it. If it isn't on, he will get out a pre-recorded tape and watch that.
11. Elizabeth is a certified suburbanite. She has two friends in the church choir, one undergoing plastic surgery, one seeing a psychiatrist, and three having an affair.
12. All of Jack's housemates work in restaurants. Sundays are free at Pizza Hut, Tuesdays is sushi, Wednesdays is Pie Town, ...and Fridays is steak sandwiches.
13. Mrs. Pinkerton highlights the key points of the meeting on her commute home. Oh no. The entire page is pink. This calls for a neon green to emphasize the keyer key points.
14. Dale in charge of office supplies has limited Mrs. Pinkerton to four highlighters per month. It's his moment of power.
15. When Robert's fish died, his father unceremoniously flushed it down the toilet. Now, he has a rabbit.
16. Gary was pleased to discover that the local junior college offers a degree in criminology. He can skip the 100 level courses as they will give him credit for his life experience.
17. Paul wants to be a carpenter, a dentist, or an oil rig worker. He is fascinated by drills.
18. Vincent is a poet. He's on the police force. He says everything you've heard about them is true.
19. Leonard stayed home for Christmas and mailed his friends foreign postcards he found at Oxfam.
20. Ben wonders what life was like when the world was flat.
21. Ed is looking for a present for his girlfriend...Underwear--the smaller it is, the bigger the price.
22. Enzo doesn't buy women's underwear. He makes it. And as models are expensive, he wears it too.
23. Peter clips his toenails in bed. His wife hates it. What she doesn't know is that he keeps them all in a jars under the bed labeled by the year. He's saving them for scientific research.
24. Maciej knows illustrator, photoshop, and paint pro. All he needs now is a computer.
25. Andy thinks that all women should be digitally enhanced.
26. Bill and Bob don't know if they are half brothers or second cousins. They must be related; they have the same taste in women, cars, and beer.
27. No one has seen Geoffrey since he got a new girlfriend. He'll be back in touch when they break up or get married.
28. Geoff's neighbor, Bryan used to be unemployed. Now, he's also alcoholic.
29. Savario shuttles tourists up and down the Amalfi Coast in his minibus. He doesn't mind the driving, but he gets sick of being sunny and cheery. Vidal Sassoon is his best customer---always leaves a hundred dollar tip.
30. He didn't lose his eye in the war--No. He had a wife. Yes. Love is blinding.
31. Franco Fracasso is an accountant at a toy company. He likes to eat ice-creams by the sea and watch the women go by. He loves figures of all kinds.
32. Txomin has moved to Upper Clapton. He has no TV but he likes action. (later) Txomin went to live in a cave after falling out with the monks in Salamanca. "A cave?! A cave..." asks his mother. He's officially missing at this point with no official address.
33. Joao came upon hard times so, he sold his watch...then his bike....then his dog. Now, if he gets a new job, he won't have a way to get there and when he does get there, he'll be late. And when he loses that job, he won't have his dog to comfort him.
34. Lila's new hat brings out the mental patient in her.
35. Alice left her fruit and acid peel mask on overnight. She is stunned at the results.
36. Linda went as the Statue of Liberty to a fancy dress party. She cleverly built in a falso arm to hold the torch--leaving her hands free for martinis and handshakes.
37. April celebrated her friend's 30th birthday at a Chateau in the Loire Valley. She was dressed as a mermaid. It was hard to walk, but she didn't need to.
(TBA) Lance enjoys his Monday night karate class. More than half the students are from the local police force. "It's the only time I get to assault a police officer legally."
Friday, 5 October 2007
Thursday, 4 October 2007
Noise Patrol
Lady downstairs? Little old Greasy Teeth?
She been gettin' bored lately.
What she do if she ain't tendin' her flock of cock a roaches?
She got her own personal form of DIY.
She hear me in the bath tub? " What a good idea.
I think I'll take a bath too...."
Goes in there with a five foot club--
One she used to beat her husband with....
Beats it against the hot water pipe
Until she's got her own man made waterfall...
It's like a drumming audition---but a little out of tune.
She don't hear my tv no more---it broke.
Infact, she don't hear no noise at all.
So what she do?
She do me a favor
Turn up her own music so loud, I don't need none of mine.
Kind of her...music's expensive.
I may not have seen the news lately,
But I can feel it vibratin' the furniture.
I's in the kitchen?
She decide, she feelin' a little hungry herself.
Step inside---start throwin' the plates all over the show
Like a frisbee competition with the chinaware.
And if I don't make no noise back?
She so disappointed, she get on the phone.
Tells me I distressin' her with my boy's truck playin'.
Honey my boy ain't even here.
He with his papa on the weekends.
Who was just by now?....
Ronaldo---the noise patrol.
He say she been callin' them lately.
So he come over without an invitation..... tryin' to
Catch me at somethin' I ain't doin'
And luckily...at the time.....I wasn't doin' it.
Ya'll know them pills she takin' for that shakin' disease?
She needs to up the dose---
Or why not just do us a favor?
Take 'em all at the same time.
She been gettin' bored lately.
What she do if she ain't tendin' her flock of cock a roaches?
She got her own personal form of DIY.
She hear me in the bath tub? " What a good idea.
I think I'll take a bath too...."
Goes in there with a five foot club--
One she used to beat her husband with....
Beats it against the hot water pipe
Until she's got her own man made waterfall...
It's like a drumming audition---but a little out of tune.
She don't hear my tv no more---it broke.
Infact, she don't hear no noise at all.
So what she do?
She do me a favor
Turn up her own music so loud, I don't need none of mine.
Kind of her...music's expensive.
I may not have seen the news lately,
But I can feel it vibratin' the furniture.
I's in the kitchen?
She decide, she feelin' a little hungry herself.
Step inside---start throwin' the plates all over the show
Like a frisbee competition with the chinaware.
And if I don't make no noise back?
She so disappointed, she get on the phone.
Tells me I distressin' her with my boy's truck playin'.
Honey my boy ain't even here.
He with his papa on the weekends.
Who was just by now?....
Ronaldo---the noise patrol.
He say she been callin' them lately.
So he come over without an invitation..... tryin' to
Catch me at somethin' I ain't doin'
And luckily...at the time.....I wasn't doin' it.
Ya'll know them pills she takin' for that shakin' disease?
She needs to up the dose---
Or why not just do us a favor?
Take 'em all at the same time.
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
Pillow and Plate
I got a friend runnin' a bed and breakfast
The Plate and Pillow as it's called....
One customer...he in from Seattle.
Somethin' with computers...
Ain't no sweaty-tied geek though.
Plays in a band.
Sportified too----workin' for the local baseball team.
He ain't the ball boy neither.
She ask him what his other interests were?
He took a long thought.
He said...."I like......"
Then, a long pause....too long for thinkin'.
Cuttin', pastin', editin'----all at the same time.
Finally, he say, "people....."
..... Females are people. But the poor man....
His job--- don't give him no health insurance.
"You dyin'? You dead."
No time off for funerals neither.
Once your funeral's over, you come back to work the next day.
Otherwise, ya'll penalized.
If his foot falls off-
He gotta tape it back on himself....
Pick it up off the road....
He cut himself?
Better hope he can fix it with a band-aid.
Otherwise, he gotta hurry on home.....
For some DIY
With 20 gallons of his own
Re-fridgerated blood.
Hard to cut the bandage when your arm
Already fallen off.
The Plate and Pillow as it's called....
One customer...he in from Seattle.
Somethin' with computers...
Ain't no sweaty-tied geek though.
Plays in a band.
Sportified too----workin' for the local baseball team.
He ain't the ball boy neither.
She ask him what his other interests were?
He took a long thought.
He said...."I like......"
Then, a long pause....too long for thinkin'.
Cuttin', pastin', editin'----all at the same time.
Finally, he say, "people....."
..... Females are people. But the poor man....
His job--- don't give him no health insurance.
"You dyin'? You dead."
No time off for funerals neither.
Once your funeral's over, you come back to work the next day.
Otherwise, ya'll penalized.
If his foot falls off-
He gotta tape it back on himself....
Pick it up off the road....
He cut himself?
Better hope he can fix it with a band-aid.
Otherwise, he gotta hurry on home.....
For some DIY
With 20 gallons of his own
Re-fridgerated blood.
Hard to cut the bandage when your arm
Already fallen off.
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
Red, Yellow, Blue
Gettin' late...must go--gotta hit the sack soon.
I can't wake up at a quarter to noon.
My luxury's over at 5:59
'Cause my son on a pace in a zone with no time.
No job to wake up for just yet....only three.
He's got the remote---cartoons still asleep.
Time for the cereal, coffee to brew.
He's got his own cock-a-doodle-doo
Nine o'clock--brush the teeth--shoes and socks on.
Bike down to Soho--ten minutes--we gone.
Weave through the trucks, the cars and the buses.
Suit and tie man reads the meter and fusses.
Down to the red light district we go.
Red, yellow, blue---the colors he knows.
It too early --pole dancin' for him.
Wrong sex too....better go to the gym.
But that is where his nursery is...
Right in the middle of the old sex biz.
Come break time--good bookstores too.
Found lotta authors that I never knew.
Big ones and small ones in odd situations.
I hope those people don't have no relations.
Done more readin' lately than most college folk.
Hung out a bit more--a diploma awoke.
See a man comin' out of one of them bookstores---day or night.
He be lookin' left and right--right and left....left and right.
Ya'll don't look more times crossin' a six lane highway.
And if he make a purchase, he even look my way.
My God, now he's lookin' seven times more.
Take him ten minutes to get out the door.
Who's got the time--watch him come out of there?
His momma? She at home fixin' her hair.
No, she stopped up at the red light pickin' her teeth.
Dark shade of red now---ain't he feelin' the grief.
Oh my God. There she is. Just come out of Lou's Lounge.
He zoomin' in close, but he don't see a frown.
What she doin' here? That damn woman's my mother.
Who would have thought it...not even my brother.
And so there came a sordid revelation that day.
So sordid that neither had nothing to say.
My son's nursery---ain't no bookstores right there.
Just Spank-a-rama to the left if you dare.
And a quiet little door left ajar to the right.
I hurry him up so he don't see the sights.
Ain't no problem as long as he in the right door.
The middle one---no, not the one with the whores.
But he is quite practiced at hangin' with ladies.
The grandmas, the moms in the park with the babies.
No worries, he seen it all before.
He all hyped up on titty juice--more more more.
He buzz 'round the toys like some out-of-control bee
Lookin' for the honey. It's something to see.
Bitin' and hittin'? He done with all that.
Head Mistress say he's moved on to strangulation--a fact.
I'll be speakin' with her tomorrow at noon.
And it won't be five minutes too soon.
Sign him up for a field trip next week to Spank-a-Rama
After play school....special treat--now we cuttin' the drama.
Ya'll say I can't hit my kid? I say "OK...."
I'll find someone to do it for me---handsomely I'll pay.
Sometimes I don't know what the answer is.
They got schools now for parents just like for the kids.
Run him like a dog....take him to the park
He run into a tree-- take off all the bark.
Strap him down-- he tired, but on the way home...
Oh, the little white van with the man all alone.
It's Mr. Gelato with his tongue twinklin' song
Too close to your door with his evil ding dong.
Dingin' yo kids right up out of their slumber
Call the police---gimme the emergency number.
Description? Man with thick, fat, hairy, white legs.
Pushin' ice cream when I up for scrabbled eggs.
" Specials, specials"----code word for ice cream
"I want an ice cream" Says the child in a dream.
Fifty times he say it---and he say it til you fear it.
Until you pay anything just not to hear it.
I can't wake up at a quarter to noon.
My luxury's over at 5:59
'Cause my son on a pace in a zone with no time.
No job to wake up for just yet....only three.
He's got the remote---cartoons still asleep.
Time for the cereal, coffee to brew.
He's got his own cock-a-doodle-doo
Nine o'clock--brush the teeth--shoes and socks on.
Bike down to Soho--ten minutes--we gone.
Weave through the trucks, the cars and the buses.
Suit and tie man reads the meter and fusses.
Down to the red light district we go.
Red, yellow, blue---the colors he knows.
It too early --pole dancin' for him.
Wrong sex too....better go to the gym.
But that is where his nursery is...
Right in the middle of the old sex biz.
Come break time--good bookstores too.
Found lotta authors that I never knew.
Big ones and small ones in odd situations.
I hope those people don't have no relations.
Done more readin' lately than most college folk.
Hung out a bit more--a diploma awoke.
See a man comin' out of one of them bookstores---day or night.
He be lookin' left and right--right and left....left and right.
Ya'll don't look more times crossin' a six lane highway.
And if he make a purchase, he even look my way.
My God, now he's lookin' seven times more.
Take him ten minutes to get out the door.
Who's got the time--watch him come out of there?
His momma? She at home fixin' her hair.
No, she stopped up at the red light pickin' her teeth.
Dark shade of red now---ain't he feelin' the grief.
Oh my God. There she is. Just come out of Lou's Lounge.
He zoomin' in close, but he don't see a frown.
What she doin' here? That damn woman's my mother.
Who would have thought it...not even my brother.
And so there came a sordid revelation that day.
So sordid that neither had nothing to say.
My son's nursery---ain't no bookstores right there.
Just Spank-a-rama to the left if you dare.
And a quiet little door left ajar to the right.
I hurry him up so he don't see the sights.
Ain't no problem as long as he in the right door.
The middle one---no, not the one with the whores.
But he is quite practiced at hangin' with ladies.
The grandmas, the moms in the park with the babies.
No worries, he seen it all before.
He all hyped up on titty juice--more more more.
He buzz 'round the toys like some out-of-control bee
Lookin' for the honey. It's something to see.
Bitin' and hittin'? He done with all that.
Head Mistress say he's moved on to strangulation--a fact.
I'll be speakin' with her tomorrow at noon.
And it won't be five minutes too soon.
Sign him up for a field trip next week to Spank-a-Rama
After play school....special treat--now we cuttin' the drama.
Ya'll say I can't hit my kid? I say "OK...."
I'll find someone to do it for me---handsomely I'll pay.
Sometimes I don't know what the answer is.
They got schools now for parents just like for the kids.
Run him like a dog....take him to the park
He run into a tree-- take off all the bark.
Strap him down-- he tired, but on the way home...
Oh, the little white van with the man all alone.
It's Mr. Gelato with his tongue twinklin' song
Too close to your door with his evil ding dong.
Dingin' yo kids right up out of their slumber
Call the police---gimme the emergency number.
Description? Man with thick, fat, hairy, white legs.
Pushin' ice cream when I up for scrabbled eggs.
" Specials, specials"----code word for ice cream
"I want an ice cream" Says the child in a dream.
Fifty times he say it---and he say it til you fear it.
Until you pay anything just not to hear it.
Divine Polyester Time
Did ya'll know I'm a good cook?
That right....good in the kitchen too.
Esme----she ain't even good in the bathroom.
Esme....short for Esmerelda.
Imagine namin' yo baby Esmerelda?
Brand new baby....already callin' it like it 65.
Put a spin on the meanin' of menopause.
She be like---"Men...ohhh..." and get out her paws.
Some ladies....they fade fashionably....
They get old?.... They do it in style.
Do you think they stick around for senior bowlin'?
No.
They's off on a cruise to Panama
Sippin' Mai Tais in the jungle
Swingin' from the trees.
Livin' like monkeys on the grandkids' inheritance....
They got it all calculated.....
Day the money run out, they gonna die.
And the funeral?
Already arranged with somebody outside the family.
Let your kids do it?
Lucky if you end up in a dumpster.
Basket weavin' at the junior college?
I ain't no basket case.
Only weavin' I be doin' is weavin' through the traffic so I can
Get me down to Florida for the winner time.
I be snow birdin' the months away
Hangin' on the beach
'Til my prescription run out....... needs fillin' again.
Go on up to Canada for ma drug run--
Half price viagra and my fix of Quinidine.
Ya'll know why them old people all park up in the same lot?
Got the beach chairs all cozied up together?
They don't want to be comin' up against some woman in a bikini...
Spoil the day.
Can't help it....
It the natural process of fadin'
What a shame...ya'll can't just set like the sun.
By the time you old enough to use yo free bus pass,
Ya'll are too flabby to use it...with any dignity.
Hit a pothole?
Boom...Jiggle Jiggle
Bruise yourself up with your own body parts.
Rule number one---ain't nobody wearin' a bikini on St. Pete's Beach.
'Least not between November and April....
Rule number two---ya'll make sure your one piece is
One hundred percent Polyester...
It just one big piece of elastic---hold it all in.
Get yourself some BIG ass flowers on that swimsuit....
So ya'll can blind yo way into the water....
"Don't look at my thighs....look at my big flowers."
Bigger than the flowers on Granny's campervan curtains.
Her swimsuit?...She got more flowers on her backside....
Than ya'll see at a presidential funeral.
Camouflage.
It one divine polyester time.
That right....good in the kitchen too.
Esme----she ain't even good in the bathroom.
Esme....short for Esmerelda.
Imagine namin' yo baby Esmerelda?
Brand new baby....already callin' it like it 65.
Put a spin on the meanin' of menopause.
She be like---"Men...ohhh..." and get out her paws.
Some ladies....they fade fashionably....
They get old?.... They do it in style.
Do you think they stick around for senior bowlin'?
No.
They's off on a cruise to Panama
Sippin' Mai Tais in the jungle
Swingin' from the trees.
Livin' like monkeys on the grandkids' inheritance....
They got it all calculated.....
Day the money run out, they gonna die.
And the funeral?
Already arranged with somebody outside the family.
Let your kids do it?
Lucky if you end up in a dumpster.
Basket weavin' at the junior college?
I ain't no basket case.
Only weavin' I be doin' is weavin' through the traffic so I can
Get me down to Florida for the winner time.
I be snow birdin' the months away
Hangin' on the beach
'Til my prescription run out....... needs fillin' again.
Go on up to Canada for ma drug run--
Half price viagra and my fix of Quinidine.
Ya'll know why them old people all park up in the same lot?
Got the beach chairs all cozied up together?
They don't want to be comin' up against some woman in a bikini...
Spoil the day.
Can't help it....
It the natural process of fadin'
What a shame...ya'll can't just set like the sun.
By the time you old enough to use yo free bus pass,
Ya'll are too flabby to use it...with any dignity.
Hit a pothole?
Boom...Jiggle Jiggle
Bruise yourself up with your own body parts.
Rule number one---ain't nobody wearin' a bikini on St. Pete's Beach.
'Least not between November and April....
Rule number two---ya'll make sure your one piece is
One hundred percent Polyester...
It just one big piece of elastic---hold it all in.
Get yourself some BIG ass flowers on that swimsuit....
So ya'll can blind yo way into the water....
"Don't look at my thighs....look at my big flowers."
Bigger than the flowers on Granny's campervan curtains.
Her swimsuit?...She got more flowers on her backside....
Than ya'll see at a presidential funeral.
Camouflage.
It one divine polyester time.
Monday, 1 October 2007
Gabriella the Gate Crasher
Gabriella.
Ya'll know her occupation?
Attendin' functions.
Sometimes, I don't know how she functions
Got so many parties to go to
Three or four in one evenin' sometimes.
And she don't get paid for it neither.
But she gets her drinks for free.
Just on account of her smile.
She a multi-tasker at socialisin'
And her house?
She gots a big old house.
But I hear it's real messy---wadin' messy.
As in get your boots on.
Ya'll can't trip over anything at her house
Only drown in it.
Seein' as she's a party professional,
I suggested she have a cleanin' party.
She say No...She say gotta clear her house first.
Clear?
Yeah... It past cleanin'
She gonna rent herself a bulldozer and clear it all out.
But bulldozers expensive.
So she savin' up--been workin' lately.
Imagine that...Gabriella workin'
So unnatural---don't suit her style.
People in the office noticed too.
Say she so lively--can't sit down to type.
She got herself a temp job last week.
Spose to last nine months--someone on maternity leave.
Hell. She gone after five days.
Guess the baby were premature.
Ya'll know her occupation?
Attendin' functions.
Sometimes, I don't know how she functions
Got so many parties to go to
Three or four in one evenin' sometimes.
And she don't get paid for it neither.
But she gets her drinks for free.
Just on account of her smile.
She a multi-tasker at socialisin'
And her house?
She gots a big old house.
But I hear it's real messy---wadin' messy.
As in get your boots on.
Ya'll can't trip over anything at her house
Only drown in it.
Seein' as she's a party professional,
I suggested she have a cleanin' party.
She say No...She say gotta clear her house first.
Clear?
Yeah... It past cleanin'
She gonna rent herself a bulldozer and clear it all out.
But bulldozers expensive.
So she savin' up--been workin' lately.
Imagine that...Gabriella workin'
So unnatural---don't suit her style.
People in the office noticed too.
Say she so lively--can't sit down to type.
She got herself a temp job last week.
Spose to last nine months--someone on maternity leave.
Hell. She gone after five days.
Guess the baby were premature.
Lumberjack Lounge
Howdy Folk.
I guess ya'll be the meanin' of upscale.
Look at that woman over there.
What she got on?
Feathers in her hair?
Where'd you find them?
Off a dead chicken?
Look like a retired can can girl to me.
Ya'll gotta modernize....get some glitter.
Glitter be the way now
To the future.
(toast-take a sip)
Excuse me if I be sippin' while I's talkin'
I'm multi-taskin' tonight
I got me free drinks.
Already don't know how I gonna get home.
You's is lucky I talkin' to you though.
Hell of a trouble gettin' in.
Thick-headed muscle boy at the door?
Wearin' a tuxedo---strainin' his brain....that already tapped.
Said I wasn't lookin' up scale enough
Up Scale?......Up yours mister.
What ya'll think I am?......downscale?
Bet you can't even get on the scale.
Ya'll is over 300 pounds.
And to think I got all prettified tonight...
Did ma make-up.... put on my best shirt...
Pink Plaid Lumberjack
My daddy gave it me.
He a lumberjack....not one to be wearin' pink though
Ain't that sort of lumberjack.
I let you in on a little secret
As long as you remember to forget it once you gone....
How I got in?
There were this woman all slutted up walkin' in the door....?
Me? I just fisted her one....went down right away...too skinny n' all
Dragged her out back and changed clothes.
Pretty dress.
It a little tight here and there, but it'll do for tonight.
Ya'll mind if I sit down and have a drink with you for a while?
My husband...he ain't here yet.
He way laid....
More like he gettin' laid probably.
He say he in traffic.
I know the sort of traffic he in.
Tina Traffic, Tracy Traffic, Trixie Traffic
He always in the car.
He should get himself a taxi.
(Follow on to My First Husband Monologue)
I guess ya'll be the meanin' of upscale.
Look at that woman over there.
What she got on?
Feathers in her hair?
Where'd you find them?
Off a dead chicken?
Look like a retired can can girl to me.
Ya'll gotta modernize....get some glitter.
Glitter be the way now
To the future.
(toast-take a sip)
Excuse me if I be sippin' while I's talkin'
I'm multi-taskin' tonight
I got me free drinks.
Already don't know how I gonna get home.
You's is lucky I talkin' to you though.
Hell of a trouble gettin' in.
Thick-headed muscle boy at the door?
Wearin' a tuxedo---strainin' his brain....that already tapped.
Said I wasn't lookin' up scale enough
Up Scale?......Up yours mister.
What ya'll think I am?......downscale?
Bet you can't even get on the scale.
Ya'll is over 300 pounds.
And to think I got all prettified tonight...
Did ma make-up.... put on my best shirt...
Pink Plaid Lumberjack
My daddy gave it me.
He a lumberjack....not one to be wearin' pink though
Ain't that sort of lumberjack.
I let you in on a little secret
As long as you remember to forget it once you gone....
How I got in?
There were this woman all slutted up walkin' in the door....?
Me? I just fisted her one....went down right away...too skinny n' all
Dragged her out back and changed clothes.
Pretty dress.
It a little tight here and there, but it'll do for tonight.
Ya'll mind if I sit down and have a drink with you for a while?
My husband...he ain't here yet.
He way laid....
More like he gettin' laid probably.
He say he in traffic.
I know the sort of traffic he in.
Tina Traffic, Tracy Traffic, Trixie Traffic
He always in the car.
He should get himself a taxi.
(Follow on to My First Husband Monologue)
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